Recently I wrote a post discussing why you should be confident in yourself rather then trying to be cool. In the posting I mentioned peer pressure and how it can force someone in to adopting an image or attitude that just doesn’t reflect their true personality. In this post I am going to expand on this and explain why sometimes your best friends can be your worst enemies and in turn your biggest barrier to becoming a true gentleman.

The Nature of Friendship

Everyone wants to have friends and acquaintances, it’s a natural urge. Some would say it is an urge inherited from our hunter-gather ancestors who learned to group together in order to help each other survive, but then who knows for sure? What we do know is that as humans we seek the comfort, security and pleasure that comes from having friends.

The problem is that not all friends are good friends. In the UK and many other European nations there is growing concern at how gang culture is becoming so prevalent. You don’t need me to tell you how having friends in these kinds of gangs is probably not a good thing. But I don’t want to talk about these kinds of bad friends, if someone you care about is in such a gang you don’t want to be taking advice from someone like me. I’m better placed to give advice on another kind of questionable friend.

What I want to talk about is how important it is to be on the lookout for signs that people who you think are your friends may actually be doing you harm, without either party knowing it.

An Example

It is very hard for me to explain what I am on about, so to demonstrate let me give you an example…

John is in his late 20s, recently graduated from university and in a fairly ordinary low-paying job. He has ambitions to move to a big city and get a well paid job, he also has the skills to follow through with this. He is also single and yearns to find his true love.

John has a friend named James. James is in his early 30 and has well paying, if somewhat dull job. He was previously married and had a child, but is now divorced and living alone in a bachelor pad. He is happy with his lot in life.

John and James have been good mates for many years and frequently go drinking together. James is usually the one suggests that they go to the pub. Because James likes to drink so much, John makes excuses not to go out as he isn’t such a big drinker. Regardless, James still manages to drag him out. He even goes as far as giving John money in order to get him out.

John doesn’t like being dragged out drinking so often and realises that it is preventing him from meeting his future wife and also stopping him from making plans to move on to a bigger and better job. John tells James about his concerns, but James laughs it off by accusing him of not being able to have a good time. The pressures John in changing his personality and behavior to suit his friend as he doesn’t want to seen as a ‘party pooper’.

In the above mentioned scenario, both parties are good people who bear no ill will towards each other. Yet John knows that his friend is holding him back in life and that he has to do something about it. The root cause of the problem is that good old human desire to have someone you can call a friend, in this case James needed John more than John need James. John returned that friendship just because they were ‘good mates’ and not because he particularly enjoyed the friendship.

In case you’re wondering, I was John. In the end I cut off all contact with James (not his real name of course). It was the only way to stop him dragging me out for another drinking session against my will. I like a drink now and then, but three heavy session a week? No way!

I still think he’s a decent fellow, but the way he lives his life (him being a single, rich party animal) was not compatible with my desire to develop my career and meet the girl of my dreams. He enjoyed the way he lived his life and he needed a drinking partner and seeing as I was his closest friend he always turned to me.

The outcome of my cutting off contact with James is that I did end up getting a great job here in Dublin and meeting the girl of my dreams, whom I’m now married too.

Value Friendships, But Know When it isn’t Working

Ultimately, what I am saying is that you have a duty of care to yourself to make sure that you minimise contact with those people who are holding you back in life. A friend who stops you achieving your dreams is not really a friend. The human desire to have friends and companions can sometimes make you blind to the fact that your friendship is doing you more harm than good.

You also have to be on the lookout for friends whose demands on on your time forces you to neglect your responsibilities in life. How many marriages have been spoliled by husband being dragged out to the pub by their ‘mates’ too often?  Good friends acknowledge your responsibilities and won’t get in the way of them.

If you feel like you are going nowhere in life and spend a lot of time with the same friends, it is always a good idea to consider if they are holding you back. Don’t be ruthless though. Good friendships should last a lifetime and you have to acknowledge that you will have arguments, fights and other disagreements. To discard a friendship over such issues would be very ungentlemanly. Just be aware that if something about a friendship has been bugging you for some time and you have tried to discuss the problem without it being resolved, then a reappraisal of that friendship may be a good idea.

If all this sounds a little depressing, don’t worry! Soon I will write a post discussing how to make friendships grow and become unbreakable.

Remember to cherish your friendships, but to never be a friend just for friendship’s sake.